Red Work and Life Update

In an effort to keep myself more on track with my current pursuits, I felt that blogging about it on a more regular basis would be beneficial.  It seems to work for plenty of other people, so I may as well try it.  I know it worked fairly well for the first few weeks with Tyson's book, and this time I'm not deployed (yet).

So, I've been working through Frater Rufus Opus' Red Work Courses, albeit very very slowly.  I've never had an issue with things like visualization or general focus so I didn't expect to have problems with basic meditation as he describes it. It seems that what I am more used to doing as a meditation is more like contemplation.  As Fr RO describes it, you start with calming your mind and then just observe the thoughts that arise.  He says to simply watch them, where they come from and where they go without actually directing them.  What I am more used to doing is similar except that I would actively follow my thoughts as they lead from one thing to another in order to better understand that thing, which is contemplation.  Having read over it, I seem to have overestimated myself.  I have no problems with contemplation in his course, but meditation is kicking my ass. 

Also, I find that though I pray nearly daily I now feel doubts relating to if I am doing it correctly, and when I start to get down on myself I start to think about if Anyone is listening.  I've prayed, in some way, almost every day of my life, so I don't know why these doubts are coming up now.  On a conscious level, I know that They do listen.  I've never been let down, even if the result of my prayer (or other magical working) wasn't what I had expected because it was always what I needed from it.  I know and take heart from the fact that the Logos/Workman, The Spirit of Nature, and Nous are my spiritual family.  I know that when I thank and praise them and enter into communion with them, that they do answer.  I still end up doubting, and I don't understand why.

Returning to contemplation, Fr RO has an assignment at the end of lesson two of the Black Work which involves contemplating where you're from based on the information in the lesson.  When I first started the contemplation, I felt pulled in so many directions...  Eventually it calmed and I continued with a visualization of the act of creation from The Corpus Hermeticum.  To say it was powerful was an understatement.  When I started, I was not very relaxed and hadn't even really entered even a liminal state of trance but within a few moments the visualization became my full experience.  It felt like hours watching things come into being and experiencing it all but it turned out to be only about 45 minutes in this world.  I plan on returning to this one and repeating it after I have worked a bit further on and have re-read The Corpus.  I expect that it will only be enhanced by that.

There is also an assignment to write about my life, where I've been, and the experiences that stand out in my memory.  I did complete this, but I am not comfortable sharing it in public at this time.  I will share that the act of writing it, and really thinking about some of it was enlightening.  I found that some of the memories still evoked very strong emotional reactions, and some led to the discovery of other items that I didn't even realize I could remember so clearly.

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Apart from the above (though is it really?), I noticed that lately in the blogosphere there has been a lot of discussion on The Solar Initiation, Abramelin Rite, Knowledge & Conversation of The Holy Guardian Angel as obtained through other rites.  There are some who assert that not everyone will go through a very difficult period from this and there are some who provide evidence of those who have lost a great deal.  This, of course, is tempered by a statement in Fr RO's most recent blog post, "It might hurt, transitioning between one lifestyle and another, it might be scary for a while, but the result is a refined, tempered, strengthened, repaired foundation for you to build upon." (The HGA and the Celestials )  As I have yet to obtain K&CHGA in any conscious way at this point in time, I really cannot comment much on the experience itself.  However I can say that though I do feel some trepidation as I approach the binding of the elemental demons and my evil daimon in preparation for the request to Michael for a Solar Initiation, I recognize it as the same trepidation I faced when I first left for basic training.  The very human parts of me are clinging to what they know and are somewhat resistant to change, especially BIG changes.  I don't plan on ceasing upon this course, I know of the risks and I know the rewards are even better than what I risk.  I know that the only things that will be burnt away during the solar initiation will be those things which are temporal.  This solar initiation will be a spiritual sandstorm for me.  It will be trying, it will be difficult at times, and it will hurt, but when it is over the only things left will be that which is as eternal as the stones themselves and they will have been changed by the experience.  Am I really ready for this?  Honestly?  Probably not, but I only say that because I don't think anyone can really understand it all until they've been through it.

Aside from that, I find myself a bit behind on my school work.  This is due to my unit's training schedule.  I haven't been around to have access to the internet in order to read some of the required reading or do the essays assigned.  My instructor has been amazingly understanding of the situation and prior to beginning to write this post I did what I could to get caught up on the discussion board items and turned in a timeline assignment.  I still have two essays I need to finish and turn in...  Wish me luck?  In reference to that, it seems that the people I work with have rather interesting views of me.  Recently, the topic of college came up and someone asked what I was studying.  They seemed very surprised when I told them I was working on a BS in Religion with a minor in Biblical Studies.  They asked me what I was studying that for, and when I told them that I planned on using my degree to become a chaplain they were literally speechless.  So, I started asking a few of the people I actually trust in the unit about it and received about the same reaction.  When I asked specifics I got an interesting range of answers.  It seems that quite a few of them assumed I was a Satanist because they had seen me with things like The Dead Sea Scrolls, and Michael Cecchetelli's amazing Crossed Keys.  The rest thought I was an Atheist because they saw me with Torahs, Bibles, Qu'rans and associated texts; apparently expanding my own personal spiritual view by reading multiple Holy Books is akin to not believing in God.  I really don't understand where that comes from...